Perfectly Imperfect and Thriving Posts

I wasn’t sure if I should continue blogging… I seem to lack the diligence to post weekly like I was planning, and there are some things I just can’t seem to fix. Like the comments, I keep trying to set them up, and nothing happens beyond that point, except me or someone I know noticing the “comments closed” button on the bottom of each post. But… (chuckle) looks like you guys are stuck with me on here for another year. I think it would be easier to write these kind of posts on Facebook or something.

A lot has happened in the last few months… new challenges, like my parents moved, and what’s funny is the weekend after the moved (03/02)… I have an accident in my house. I slipped while cleaning, and my knee dislocates (this is just as pleasant as it sounds- gag). This is not my first rodeo, but I know something is different this time because while it doesn’t hurt as bad as the first time, it is definitely more painful than the 2nd and 3rd. (YES, this makes #4). So I call my parents, and I spend the night at their place, since it was already past 8 and I didn’t think it was bad enough for the ER. So I go to the doctor’s office the next day, and get issued a new brace and crutches. They had taken X-rays and the doctor was kind of patronizing (it was my first time seeing this guy, but he seemed like he couldn’t care less).

About a week later, it is still interfering with my capabilities, and painful, so I go to an ortho specialist my father went to when he had his motorcycle accident and had to have knee surgery. They take more X-rays and schedule an MRI to tell me “you have a torn ligament and a -“micro-something “fracture on your tibia” And there was a term used on the results: chronic avulsion. Which basically means there is all this damage in your knee from previous fractures (that I knew nothing about)…. With these results, I took it to three other medical background people I knew – looking for consistency (I have a mistrust because of past experiences). I got it – and all of them recommended surgery after talking to me about it. I was scheduled for a CT, and finally surgery.

I was expecting to wait a couple months at least, but they got me in last week. So I am and have been recuperating at my parent’s, and am trying to stay positive. It’s getting frustrating, and I still have a long journey of healing ahead of me, but I know God is with me. He gives me obstacles like this to teach me something; have to focus on the bigger picture rather than the small window I am seeing/feeling right now.

So… what are you trying to teach me, Lord?

Things haven’t gone the way I thought they would after my last entry… I knew some things would have to change, but I didn’t think so soon. I was unhappy at my job for multiple reasons, and ended up giving my notice over a week ago. So I will be starting a new job, and putting that dream on hold for a few months until I am stable enough to continue pursuing it. Which is okay in the end, because I feel like I need some time to breathe.

I am also excited for what this new job could bring. New people to work with, means meeting tons of new people (who else here is an introvert ?) Yes, it can seem scary, but in the end it will help the introvert grow.

The past month has been a challenge, but looking back now it has been worth the journey. It was tough and nerve-wracking, but it has all worked out and made me a stronger person.

“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

James 4:13-14

Who here has had a feeling of what they wanted to do… but too afraid or nervous to take the leap? Whether it was fear of rejection or not being able to make someone proud, you have to take the leap if it means a lot to you. If you fail, at least you tried.

For years, I have felt the need to tell stories, the question was how. In middle school, I wrote my novels in notebooks and on the family computer. I’m pretty sure I still have a hard copy that I printed out somewhere, but I’m still not sure it would be worth publishing. After middle school, I started poems (or songs as they became later on). These continued on until a couple years ago (my lyric journal is still in my desk). I get an idea occasionally and then jot it down.

While I was growing up (I don’t remember how old I was when I first heard one of their tapes), I listened to Adventures in Odyssey from Focus on the Family. They impacted my life so much and I will always be grateful 🙂 This is also when it kind of clicked for me. That is how I can tell stories, in the same way they told me.

But I am telling you this for a reason: don’t be afraid to go after what you really want. What you love to do. You never know unless you try and…

“You will miss 100% of the opportunities you don’t take.”

Wayne Gretzky

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been going through a lot of change lately. Things at my work, my house and in my personal life. But your attitude towards the change (or how you handle it) is what matters. It is so easy to see the negative aspect of things, but if you actually sit down and think, I’m sure some positive thinking will start to show. So lets see the options… either look at your life as “one more thing to handle…” or “one more thing to be thankful for…”

I’ve been told recently that I worry too much about everything… because I am an overthinker. So I worry about my house (how much needs to be done/how much I want to do), I worry about my dogs, how much money I spend, how much time I spend on my phone instead of spending it with God, etc. I’m thinking of all the “failures” that I want to do and am not doing the best.

So instead I’ve been trying to think of the good. Like I bought a house on my own at a young age, I have two dogs that love me, my family cares and appreciates me. I have job security and a boss that values me… thinking like that can get you looking up at blessings rather than down on curses.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

“Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Ouch! These past few weeks have been busy and… strangely felt like they flown by but also crept by like a snail. Anyone else feel like that sometimes?

I’ve always been a bit of a late bloomer/trender. I hit puberty late, and seemed to catch onto trends a year or two after they are popular. So another thing I was late to, is losing all my baby teeth. Up until early this month, I still had a baby tooth incisor (which I thought was a fun fact about me).

A couple months ago, my new dentist took x-rays of my mouth, and told me what I already knew from my previous dentist (who was last seen about 5 yrs ago). I had two wisdom teeth (one on top and one on bottom.. and on opposite sides of my mouth) along with my impacted adult tooth above my last baby tooth. What my new dentist said was that my wisdom teeth were starting to grow into my molar roots, which could be dangerous if they got infected. He suggested that I get them removed in the next 6 months. He also said that while I can leave the baby tooth, it would be better for me to handle it while I was young. The younger you are, the faster you recover.

So…. I got the referral for oral surgery, and got the consult for both situations… and handled both situations the following day. But what you don’t know is, in order for the adult tooth to come down, the other teeth needed to be… moved. And I apparently have a bigger overbite then I am supposed to. So braces had to be applied as well, in the same week as the surgery. Boy, was my mouth sore for a week (couldn’t even smile without it hurting). And soft foods only.

Which ended up being a good thing, the soft foods only. My mom, brother, and I are all in a pact to lose some weight, and it helped me lose like 15 pounds in two weeks. Now I am moving back to chewable foods, but I find it weird having to clean the braces so much, every time I eat something, I have to go brush.

But you just got to remember, God puts things in your life to help you grow. What challenges life throws your way,,, just makes you stronger. 🙂

I cannot tell you how often I come on here to write a post and I think, “I have to get better at being diligent about posting blogs more often.” I have the hope of getting one on here weekly, but I’m starting to realize I can’t do everything at once, as much as I may wish to be able to do that. (Man, that would be perfect, but not what God intended me to be.)

I have to be okay with being human and accept that as much as I want my house’s renovations to be done… I don’t have the funds and time to do it all. I want to be able to have a clean house every day and not have to try and play catch-up on the weekends. I love my dogs, and I want to be able to take them for walks on the weekends and take them to dog parks. And I would absolutely love to have the time and energy to do the creative things I used to love.

I tell my mom everything, because she is my best friend. She tells me I have to learn to prioritize, and to create small goals to achieve the big picture. So as of this past week, I have been trying to implement that into my life… and while I see a small improvement, I know I have a long ways to go still. There is a verse I have been thinking a lot about lately, and I’ll attach it below. Philippians 4:11-13

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Sounds dark for a blog entry title, huh? I’m not just talking about someone else lying to you though. I am also talking about you lying to yourself. The Devil can use your own voice to make it sound like you talking to yourself too, and then sometimes you end up believing him and saying mean stuff to yourself.

Stuff like “you’ll never matter” or “you’ll never be enough” are examples of the lies I am talking about. But that is exactly the stuff we need to filter out (is this really me talking?) and ignore. I was referred to this video recently about this topic, and I have attached it below:

I think a lot of people can backslide, and you never know how easy it can happen until you realize how far you have slid… and sometimes it is too late to fix things. Which kind of reminds me of the Christmas Carol, when Jacob Marley says, “I made this chain, link by link.”

So how many lies do you want the Devil to tell you? How many lies to do you want to tell yourself because you believed him?

I think I have been feeling like not enough lately, for more than one reason. Last month, it was the busiest month of the year and I felt like I wasn’t getting enough done (at work or at home). Like I should have finished this task at work, or I should have spent more time playing/loving my dogs. So I know that I need to calm down (as Taylor Swift puts it- lol) and learn to be more content, in every situation. Like the apostle Paul, who was hunted down more that once and lifted down outside a city’s walls in a basket, yet he was still content wherever he was.

They bend their tongue like a bow; falsehood and not truth has grown strong in the land; for they proceed from evil to evil, and they do not know me, declares the Lord.”

Jeremiah 9:3 ESV

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the phrase, and song, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It’s easy to focus on the awkward or difficult part of the situation rather than what it could be like when you come out of it. My point is to not be afraid to take the leap.

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”

– Wayne Gretzky

I think about last year when I was considering buying my house. I was so afraid I was doing the wrong thing, that I was taking this step too early. But with a little pep talk from my mom (she knows when I get into my head too much) I realized how good it could be for me. I took the chance, and I am more responsible because of it; I am more independent.

I want to do something that I don’t do, or haven’t done very much. It is a surprise, but if I can do it, I hope it will be amazing. I already talked to three people about it, and I still need to talk to one more to get the ball rolling (or to see if I have the permission to do it).

What are some things you are thinking about doing? Are you scared of the risk?

With a possibility of an important event happening a few weeks back, I had the opportunity and experience to contact someone from my past. I’ve been open in sharing my Christianity, and there was a lot of talk going on about the Rapture possibly happening on the weekend of September 25th. There was a video that my mom showed me “September to Remember” and this guy was sharing talking points in the Bible that are happening now.

For instance, there is a temple in Jerusalem that has to be rebuilt before the anti-Christ comes and claims to be the Christ. All of the materials are already there, the people are just waiting for the “unblemished” red heifer (which they need to sacrifice before they can begin). They are extremely rare, and unblemished means not a single mark on their bodies (so even more rare). So in September, five red calves were born, and transferred to Israel for the 10 day quarantine before they inspect each one to see if one was pure. (I’ve been trying to check up on this, but haven’t seen any results from the inspection).

So with this possibility, it got me thinking a lot about my relationships, feeling responsible to tell everybody I knew, especially if they didn’t have a relationship with Jesus. It got me thinking about my sister most of all, since I haven’t seen her more than twice since I was 17. I know she has strayed (since she used to be a Christian) and I wanted to tell her. But I also wanted to release the anger I had toward her, and had held on to for years.

My family adopted two biological siblings when my brother and I were about ten years old. These siblings were also about ten years old, and things seemed to go okay. Sure, there were problems, but then those got worse. One had to go away for more help than we could give, and in middle and high school, my sister acted out more and more. It got to the point of us calling the police, thievery, and her threatening us all. So she ended up emancipating herself when she was 17, and I haven’t really seen her since.

My mom still has contact with her, so we know where and how she is doing. When I was talking the whole possible Rapture thing with mom, the conversation got turned to Julie. And I started crying, because as much as I was angry for the pain and hurt she caused me and my family, I didn’t want her facing the wrath of God alone. So a night passes, I am home when my mom calls, asking if I had called my sister yet (since I realized it might be more powerful coming from me). I was so nervous, not wanting my anger to come out as soon as she picked up the phone, and I wasn’t even sure how to start. I asked mom to conference call, because I was also afraid to tell her the facts wrong.

We called her together, and as soon as I start talking, I start crying. I start off with apologizing for hold this grudge against her for so long. And I start to tell her the other reason for my call, mom filling in the gaps of what I miss. We finish, but while my sister listened to the story, she didn’t accept it. We talk for a few more minutes, but end the call. We did what we could, and now it is up to her. It felt great to let go of the anger, like getting a big boulder off my shoulders.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesisans 4:32

I am going to give a testimony today of my experience recently with God’s grace and love. Since I moved out on my own, my savings account has taken hits… because I want to make my house my own. I want to make it perfect for me to live in. Now. I just don’t have the funds at this time. So, I’ve been stressing about money, and I remembered this week I have to pay my property taxes. In other words, another chunk of my savings had to be taken out.

Yesterday when I got home from work, I checked the mail, and I saw a letter from my mortgage company (it was in a bigger envelope than usual) and thought something was wrong. I opened it, and found a check, claiming to be a refund. I checked it to make sure it was legit… and then found a very detailed transaction history on the back of the statement. Including some categorized as “County Tax.” That’s when it clicked. My mortgage company is paying my property tax for me. Then I asked my mom about it, and she said it was normal for that to happen since the government doesn’t trust homeowners to do it on their own.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Not only did I not have to send in a check, but I had a decent refund to put back into my savings. I started to cry and thanked God immediately. I have already started to implement my budget, but haven’t figured out all the details for it yet. But I know that God is by my side and I know He loves me.

But speaking of love… my church started a young adult ministry (for anyone between the ages of 18-30) a couple months ago, and we just met last night. The leader read aloud 1st Corinthians 13:4-8. He said that God is love, and as His followers, we should reflect His love. If God is love, then we should be love too. So the leader said to read the verses again, putting your name instead of love. And then ask yourself, “What do I struggle with?”

You all don’t know my personal details on my family, etc. But my answers were that I struggled with patience sometimes, but that I also need to let go. To not keep records of wrongs. I am in the process of letting go of the anger that I feel for someone who has been in my life for a long time, because they hurt me and my family. But I am also extremely hard on myself when I make mistakes. I am my own worst critic. So, I need to let go, forgive, and move on to show God’s love to others. And learn to love myself.

What do you struggle with from the verse?

 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8